Writer Jeff Lee

Turns out… he’s published one of his hilarious books over on Amazon! Of course, I ran right out (ok, I clickety-click-clicked really quickly) and bought his ebook, The Ladies Temperance Club’s Farewell Tour. And then I read it. And laughed. And laughed, and smiled. And had a good time. After that, I got talking to Jeff over Facebook and email and here is the result:

Jean: You have been compared to Christopher Moore, Fannie Flag, Douglas Adams, and other such quirky writers. How does it feel to be likened to such literary greats?

Jeff: To be honest, sometimes it itches. Actually, it’s both wonderful and humbling at the same time.

Jean: Are you as quirky in real life as you are on the page?

Jeff: Not really. I’m still the same inveterate wise-ass, but my quirkiness index has been dampened by 30 some-odd years of real life, full time professional employment. Although, I would still jump at the chance to walk into an elevator full of attorneys, wearing my loudest Hawaiian shirt and drenched in patchouli oil.

Jean: What is the craziest/strangest/most amusing thing that has happened to you while writing or selling The Ladies Temperance Club’s Farewell Tour?

Jeff: Farewell Tour ended up in front of reading group in Wisconsin, who ripped me a new aperture over the antics of my main characters. Apparently, the Land of 10,000 Lakes simply isn’t zoned for that sort of behavior.

Jean: Who is your favourite character and why? (You can have more than one favourite—I know I’d have a tough time choosing.)

Jeff: That’s a tough one. I usually find something to love about all my characters, even a waste of skin like Jack Thibideau. But my faves in Farewell Tour would have to be Francine, Kay and her elephant-loving, former Green Beret turned large animal vet boyfriend, Bob. Plus Gordon, the dentally-challenged maitre ‘d and his yeti of an executive chef wife, Ruby. And Fish, Kenny and Einstein, the tattooed, graduate degree sporting biker/repo men. (I fell so in love with those three that I actually gave them their own book. It’s the sequel to TLTCFT, titled Hair of the Dog.

Jean: What was the funnest (Yes, ‘funnest’ is a word! Okay, not really, but it should be!) part to write in The Ladies Temperance Club’s Farewell Tour?

Jeff: I love creating places that couldn’t possibly exist, and then peopling them with characters who, while maybe a little tough to take, are lovable in their own right. Like the towns of Eudell and Hanley, Idaho. And Farely Kuzmik, the homicide detective who had seen one too many episodes of Miami Vice. And leave us not forget the honorable Humboldt Troutwire, the irascible and seriously constipated trial judge. What can I say? I tend to run with a nutsy, and thankfully, fictional crowd.

Jean: If you could be more like one of your characters in The Ladies Temperance Club’s Farewell Tour, who would it be and why?

Jeff: Fish, hands down. He’s actually a composite of all the things I like about myself, or wish I had more of.

Jean: This story is hilarious and full of all sorts of crazy events and happenings. Have you ‘borrowed’ events, characters, etc., from real life?

Jeff: Jack Thibideau and Vonda were based on a couple I met several years ago. They were both pretty well-lubricated 24/7, and the husband was actually selling bogus annuities to his friends to support the two of them.

Jean: Do you ever make yourself laugh when you write? (It’s okay to answer honestly, we won’t think you’re full of yourself or completely deluded—unless, of course, the answer is no.)

Jeff: I’ve been known to chuckle from time to time while I’m writing, sure. But if I break into outright laughter while I’m at the keyboard, I usually stop and check what I just wrote, for fear of having done something horribly wrong, like insulting yet another Republican.

Jean: Fish (the repo man/lawyer) beats the crap out of his beloved Harley in The Ladies Temperance Club’s Farewell Tour. It was very real and believable. In fact, several characters come undone for very good reasons throughout the book. Have you ever found yourself coming undone in a spectacular fashion?

Jeff: I respectfully decline to answer that question on the grounds that to do so would tend to incriminate me.  (Sorry, Jean; I just couldn’t resist.) I’ve never had a meltdown as spectacular as Vonda’s or Fish’s, but there was one incident while I was at a National Guard summer camp back in the 70′s, where I managed to get myself arrested one night for drinking on guard duty; smoking a controlled substance on guard duty; driving under the influence while on guard duty; being out of uniform; destruction of government property; performing my duties in an un-military manner and attempting to murder a second lieutenant with a 5-ton truck. I guess you had to be there.

Jean: I noticed some real locations such as Quartzite and Groom Lake (Area 51) make an appearance in The Ladies Temperance Club’s Farewell Tour. Does The Little A’Le’Inn exist?

Jeff: <Big Smile> Yes, it does. And, they do serve up some of the best burgers in the known universe. I did take a few liberties with the interior decoration, though. By the way, the “Extraterrestrial Highway” sign is real, too. When I wrote Farewell Tour, who knew so much of it would turn out to be non-fiction?

Jean: Did you have to do any research for this novel? Such as going to see if you could break into Area 51? BTW, what is your stance/thoughts on Area 51 and aliens? Truth or fiction?

Jeff: I have a terrific memory for strange and useless facts. Combine that with way too many hours spent watching the Discovery Channel, TLC and The History Channel, and you read the result. I should also say that Google has made research a ton more fun, not to mention easier. Aliens? I believe there’s a mathematical certainty that intelligent life exists out there, somewhere; and they’ve probably already been here for a few visits. C’mon, how else would you explain Jersey Shore’s Snookie, Sarah Palin and the Donald? Which leads me to conclude that if intelligent life exists out there, they’re probably all yokels and trailer trash, like the rest of us.

Jean: I like how there is romance, espionage, murder, comedy, and mayhem all wrapped into your one story. Was that intentional or difficult to do?

Jeff: Not at all. Once I got a firm handle on who my characters were and what drove them, they pretty much wrote The Ladies Temperance Club’s Farewell Tour for me. There were times when I felt like I was taking dictation.

Jean: Was it difficult writing the sex scene? Do you worry what your mother/grandmother/aunt/sister/significant other/father/grandfather/neighbor/brother/sons might think of this scene if they read The Ladies Temperance Club’s Farewell Tour?

Jeff: Funny you should ask. One of my aunts just bought a copy of the book. And my oldest enforcer has already read it. I don’t worry about what family/friends/future employers/creditors think of the scene. It was basically an exercise to see if I could even write a believable love scene. When you put your work out there, you will find that you can’t make everyone happy. This scene has gotten great reviews from some; awful reviews from others; and seriously puzzling notes from a few more. Your first obligation as a writer is to please yourself. Once your stuff achieves that, anything else is gravy.

Jean: What has surprised you the most about going the self-publishing route over on Amazon’s Kindle?

Jeff: After all the rejections I’ve picked up over the years from literary agents’ interns, I’m really gratified at how well The Ladies Temperance Club’s Farewell Tour has been received (all 4 and 5-star reviews!), and how well it’s selling. There is a huge market for fiction that treats women ‘of a certain’ age as powerful and vital human beings, and yet the publishing industry seems to feel that any female over the age of, say, 35 is worthy of nothing more than cardigan sweaters, reading glasses and reruns of Matlock and Murder She Wrote. It’s a pretty sad irony when you consider that this is also the largest and most active segment of the book-buying public.

Jean: Complete this sentence: For me, writing is a lot like…

Jeff: …a lot of things: catharsis, sharing, creating, exploration and just as important, entertaining.

Jean: Any plans for future stories coming soon to an Amazon page near us?

If Farewell Tour does well, I have two books ready to upload to Kindle.  One is the sequel, titled Hair of the Dog. It stars Fish, Einstein and Kenny, who are hired by a Beverly Hills jeweler to find and recover his wanna-be starlet girlfriend’s missing little lap doggie. Too bad the jeweler forgets to mention the fortune in hot diamonds super glued into the pooch’s collar. And before Fish knows it, he’s in the sights of a hit man who wears black Armani and talks like Marilyn Monroe. Picture Phillip Marlowe meets Get Shorty.

My other book is a complete departure for me – a very Stephen King-like story about a likable teenager who is permanently paralyzed in an ‘accident’ staged by his brother,  and the horrible revenge the kid wreaks on his sibling. The title is Bird Boy, and it’s a lot like Carrie meets My Left Foot.

Thanks to Jeff for spending some time answering my burning questions. If you are looking for an amusing adventure , check out The Ladies Temperance Club’s Farewell Tour on Amazon. And the best part is… wait for it… (drumroll please)… The Ladies Temperance Club’s Farewell Tour is now only 99 cents! So go on over to Amazon and download it. Heck, for 99 cents, download a couple.

(P.S. If you own an non-Kindle ereader and would like to read Jeff’s book on it, Google “convert .azw to .epub” and you can find out how to convert those proprietary Kindle files into something that will work on other ereaders. However, if you want to read a Kindle file on your computer, iPad, phone, etc., you can simply download the free and lovely Kindle app from Amazon.)

Also be sure to check out Jeff’s teasers for Hair of the Dog and Bird Boy on his website.

What if you took a father of three who edits Esquire magazine and had him run experiments on his everyday life? Well, you might find him acting on behalf of his female nanny and turning down men on online dating sites, or listening to an East Indian man reading a bedtime story to his son over speaker phone. Or how about putting his wife in charge of his every action for a month, or maybe striving to follow all 110 of George Washington’s Rules of Civility? Or scary thought–being radically honest (that’s a great way to build relationships with the in-laws). Maybe you’ll even find him posing in the nude for a magazine shoot or dressing in a tux to go to the Oscars as a famous actor (which he is not).

The lovely thing about Jacobs’ books is that you learn while you are entertained. For example, I learned a lot about George Washington and outsourcing. All while laughing my butt off at his shenanigans. With several short essays discussing his antics and the results of such behaviours, it is a book that would make a good gift for pretty much anyone on your Christmas list.

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Hilarious. Yes, I actually laughed out loud. This story is filled with nutty characters with the right amount of zany to fill me with giggles. Sorry, to those in the plane next to me.

Hattie comes home from Paris after her 11-year-old niece calls, asking for help. Hattie’s older sister has gone off the deep end of crazy again. And without her water wings, the gal is sinking fast. Hattie puts her sister in the fun house and decides to take Thebie, the talkative, creative 11-year-old and the quiet, brooding 15-year-old Logan on a road trip. Why? To find their father, because Hattie knows at 27, she’s still no parent. Into the minivan they go, with Hattie and Logan at the wheel. The road trip that ensues is a journey through human nature and the nuttiest Canadians you may ever meet.

If you liked the movie ‘Little Miss Sunshine’, you’ll like ‘The Flying Troutmans’.

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Guide to Literary Agents dot com is having a contest and I can’t enter because I live in Canada. Waaaaaa! That’s as bad as those silly contests sponsored by yummy ice cream treat companies that make you go online and enter a PIN plus all your personal information at your chance to win $100,000. Bastards.

Anyway, write the worst logline and he will give you a prize. He will critique your query and then PHONE you to discuss it. Holy smokes! PLUS you win a book. A BOOK! I love books! I just got six books in the mail from Chapters today. It was like Christmas. Christmas, I say!

Sigh.

So how about something lame like this for a logline:

“During a blue moon, the pink flamingo ornaments on Evelyn’s yard come to life, but she soon finds that not only are her rapidly overgrown prize-winning pansies in danger of getting her disqualified and ridiculed at the national flower show, but her pure bred Schnowzer seems to be pregnant–and she was spayed years ago.”

Okay, that was really lame. But can you out-lame me? The challenge is on. You can bet I will be watching the comments section over at Guide to Literary Agents. And if you are an American, you have until the end of the month to try your hand at lameness on their site. Even the agents are getting in on it. Good luck to you all

My daughter (age five) was playing a slobber game this weekend with one of my husband’s friends and for whatever reason, she decided to declare slobber as the new black. And yes, I just about peed my pants laughing when she declared this in a very serious manner after her slobber game was called to an end.

I also almost peed myself when she told another of my husband’s friends that ‘she was pretty confident’ about something or other. He informed her that she was ‘too young to use words like confident’. Her reply: ‘Goo goo, ga ga’. Timing is everything. So is the immediate location of washrooms.