The Fear of Finishing Last

Slow and steady wins the race, right?

Right now my husband is out running a 5K in high winds, pushing our little guy in a stroller. I’m at home.

Why? Oh, I have a ton of excuses for not registering in the fun run. Everything from I’m sure I won’t have the energy to I haven’t done much running since the Gorilla Run last fall–which I really enjoyed–and so I feel unprepared, to  not having a babysitter for our older child to who knows what the weather will be to maybe there will be scary hills… I could go on.

But the truth is layered in fear. I was afraid. Not of finishing last, but really sucking. Of it being painful. Of having to compete with people I know who have been training all winter. Of it not being any stinkin’ fun. Of losing/failing publicly.

All these stupid fears that are holding me back of doing something enjoyable–husband is now back and had fun just walking and running with the group from work–also holds me back with writing. That fear of finishing last–or close to last. Of not making it. Of showing up all geared up and everyone knowing… and then completely bombing it. It’s that fear of admitting I’m trying something new… something I may fail at. And having to face up to the fact that I couldn’t do it. That I failed. Of not being able to cross that finish line. A DNF (did not finish).

Nobody wants a DNF stamped across on their writing career. Nobody wants to go through the pain and hard work and not experience a reward at the end. Nobody wants to have to try and explain to their family and friends why they are still not published.

It’s easier to make a fool of ourselves in private, rather than in our nested hometown. And that’s why so few people in my real life know that I write. But I am realizing that maybe, in order to succeed, I need that hometown support. I need my friends cheering me on and walking and running beside me in order to make it across the finish line. I need their connections. Their tips, ideas, and understanding.

A friend on AQC just mentioned the three irons he has in the fire at the moment–and they are all due to networking and using his connections. And every book I’ve read lately about using social media effectively and building your brand says to use your friends. To get them on board. To use your connections. Your network. Let them know what you are doing and how they can support you. Use their belief in you to reach out to new people.

And if you are like me–too afraid to let them know what you are doing–how are they going to be able to help you? How will I reach that next level? How will I use my social network to get the word out about what I’m doing if I’m too afraid to tell them?

Quite plainly… I’m not. And that’s why I’m going to have to pull up my big girl pants and ask the people in my life to help me spread the word. Otherwise I will be today’s April Fool.

How about you? Have you had to pull up your big girl/boy pants and ask for help? How did it go? Any advice for me?

What’s Next After a Bestseller?

Now that is a good question. Say you are an author and you just released a HUGE hit. How do you follow up on that? Think Audrey Niffenegger (The Time Traveller’s Wife). Think JK Rowling (Harry Potter series). Think Elizabeth Gilbert (Eat, Pray, Love).

Pressure. My god, yes.

Expectations. Oh man, yes.

Criticism. Undoubtedly.

While I can dream about how difficult it must be to write a follow up with all that expectation hanging over you and your keyboard, Elizabeth Gilbert stands up and talks about it in this TED Talk (she says people act like she’s doomed–yikes!):

This is the Journey of Writing

You start out feeling a bit lost and directionless, but you know you want to do something. An idea hits you and causes inspiration that lights up the room and spins you around in its tingly clutches. That tiny, hopeful voice that plays with your subconscious when you aren’t paying attention says, “This could be big.” Glittery-eyed excitement dances around you. You dive in. Slowly, things build and your progress pushes you further and further into your project and before you know it, it has consumed you in almost every conceivable way. You are tarred to your project and bit by bit, you push yourself a little harder, and then a little harder still. Your personal expectations get a little higher, and a little higher until they begin to get elevation sickness, but the giddiness keeps you pushing. You become an endless one way street. Your relationships begin to sway under the strain, and while you see it, you can’t sacrifice what you are doing. You convince yourself you have balance and it’s all okay. Little hissy fit meltdowns that are not understandable to others begin to litter  your feebackless chamber. Small things pile up against you and your project, but they feel like boulders. The insular and individualistic nature of it all begins to eat at you and self doubt creeps in, its long, snaky fingers tarnishing everything. A bigger meltdown leaves you flailing about on the floor, but you can’t give up. You grasp at a tenuous lifeline, but next week there is an even bigger ‘what am I doing to myself’ moment that sweeps you up and bangs you around until you don’t know which wall has bruised you the worst. You shout off a cliff, your anger curled like a dirty fist. You question each and every thing about yourself, your abilities, your possibly lost sanity, and of course your project, its merit and pretty much everything connected to it. You have to throw in the towel. It’s the only way to rebalance the scales. Two hours later, it’s like the meltdowns and bruising never happened. You are up off the floor feeling as refreshed, inspired, and raring to go as if you just stepped out of a rejuvenating shower in the fountain of youth and optimism. This is the journey of writing.

–inspired by the movie Julie & Julia as Julie’s life showed me that I am not the only one who was been through this wretchedly joyous journey.

Book Review: Ignore Everybody: And 39 Other Keys to Creativity

Book review for Ignore Everybody: And 39 Other Keys to Creativity
By Hugh MacLeod

Hugh MacLeod, a cartoonist and blogger, provides succinct, proven advice on creativity. (Everything from ideas to money to selling out to being broke to friends to hobbies to jobs to props to approval to… you get the point. He talks about the life and what it truly is and what it truly isn’t.)

Not only does MacLeod provide an easy-to-read book full of nuggets, his practical, down-to-earth, tried, tested and true advice is real. Can I repeat myself more? No, probably not. So, carrying on… His common sense advice is probably a lot of what is already swimming around in your creative head. That is, if you listen to it. And that’s the thing. It can be really hard to listen to those little voices, ideas and theories, especially when they go against your neighbours and friends who are saying something to the tone of who-are-you-and-what-do-you-do-and-what-do-you-make-doing-it society. It’s good to hear from someone who has been there and have him share his thoughts on paper. And not only that, but to have bigwigs agent it, publish it and sell it. It gives a certain legitimacy to those swimming ideas rocketing through your brain. But most of all, it gives you the courage to not only believe it, but to follow it.

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Refilling the Creative Juices

I think it is time to ease up and take a nice deep breath of summer air. I feel like I have this rigid time-line looming before me. I have to be a published, money earning author by X. It isn’t working very well. I mean, having a goal and a career plan is good. Very good.

But I need to ease up on myself a bit. I have time. I am learning. I haven’t stagnated. It’s just the fact that I have learned that I am, once again, further from my long-term goal than I originally thought I was, is killing me. And that is silly. This is supposed to be fun.

Of course there is a ton to learn. How many people actually sit down, write a first novel and have it published within two years? Not that many. They have piles of ‘learning’ manuscripts tucked in the rafters. They had to work at this and so do I. And I can do it.

But right now, I need a break. So, I’m going to pack up the car and my family and leave the in-laws behind and drive. And then I’m going to drive some more. And then some more. And I will learn. This CAN be part of my growth as a writer. It can. And it will. I will ruthlessly eavesdrop on farmers, miners, gas jockeys, campers from all over, executives, rich, poor, Easterners, Westerners and my family. I will come out a better understanding of characters. And then I will come home and I will write.