Breaking the Unbreakables Update

It seems as though I am still at it. (Miss the first post on breaking things? Read it here.)

So, let’s see… I have a few things to add to the list. I’ve chipped a bowl pulling it out of the dishwasher. (Actually, not the first time I’ve manged that one.) But in the truly non-sucky news, for some reason, our lovely little robot vacuum won’t suck. I’m going to take it completely apart and give it a good cleaning and see what happens. In the meantime, I’ve been using our big ol’ beater of a vaccuum (no, not our steamcleaner because that thing stopped sucking up water months ago…) and trying to ignore it’s hot, not-happy smell that it seems keen to emitt these days. Maybe housekeeping just isn’t for me these days.

Although that wouldn’t help explain how I magically made my husband’s iPod think it had no music on it. I swear, all I did was listen to a few songs while I went for a walk. He said after I used it, he turned it on and it told him there was no music on it. Yet, when he hooked it up to his computer… everything was there and fine and dandy. Hmmm…

He’s wishing there was some way to market my ‘ability.’ I could make millions as a product tester.

Breaking the Unbreakables

I’ve been breaking things again.

It started with the measuring cup. You know those thick, so-called unbreakable pyrex ones? Yup, bumped it off it’s low shelf onto the linoleum and smash.

Next up, my heavy duty, thick glass mixing bowl. The kind that would break your toe if you dropped it. Or, break when it hits the lino just right. Particularly if it has another bowl nested inside it.

When my husband discovered that I had broken both things in a matter of days, he looked me straight in the eye and said, “Do not, under any circumstances, touch my computer. Do not touch my computer.”

He may have also muttered something about what was with me, breaking things that don’t even break in a landfill.

I didn’t touch his computer (I think he may have snuck it to work with him), but I did touch the washing machine and dishwasher. Now, the job is to make the washing machine look like normal again and get the hot appliance smell out of the kitchen before he comes home.

A little tip–if you try and wash those reusable grocery bags that are kind of plasticy with the cloth on the inside… well, um, you might break your washing machine if you aren’t careful. I heard my washing machine making a strange racket so I went down there to see what all the squeaking was about. The green bag had floated to the top and had somehow splooshed water all over the laundry room and in the spin cycle (which was giving the machine a mini-breakdown), was winding itself along the top of the drum and proceeding to shred the drum’s plastic edging. And this is a soft bag!

The bag was trashed, the top of the machine frayed… but everything still works. It’s just… greener.

Later I decide to run the dishwasher. I hit start and off I go to do some tidy up in another room. I come back after a minute or two and the room smells funny. Sort of a hot element and dirty dishes smell. The dishwasher, for whatever reason, is washing without water. I managed to fix it, but the room really smells and it’s absolutely freezing outside (as in, layers of ice building up on our windows and doors), so what to do, what to do…

I suppose, truly, it is time to chant “I am one with the universe” again.

I am one with the universe. I am one with the universe….

Oh, and I forgot to mention that I also managed to not only cut the top of my foot open, but turn it black and blue by dropping the padded corner of a boxspring on it from a height of about five inches. Can we say talent?

Jean The Destroyer

So, it’s been a while since I’ve posted an entry where I chant, “I am at one with the universe.” Evidently, too long.

Let me start at the beginning…

Once upon a time there was a girl who every once in a while would fall out of sync with the universe and break, damage, destroy, wreck, decimate, and generally lay waste to the electronics around her.

Flash forward to June 2010. Her two-year-old laptop starts making ‘bad’ hard drive grinding noises. Her darling husband knows what’s coming. He’s seen the signs before. He seizes the moment he’s been waiting for… he orders her a Mac in hopes that its indestructible and simple design will last her at least three years, making up for its increased cost. Jean jumps for joy at the idea of a laptop that might last. Yay! Yay!

Don’t let the smoke out! They never work right after that.

Jump back in time a little bit… Jean’s cell phone stops working properly. It must be persistently coaxed to have its screen light up and work. Darling Husband The Rescuer jumps in once again with his not-yet-recycled cell phone. He battles Bell Mobility and has her phone number transferred to the old phone. He knows its days are numbered and that he must put his get-Jean-a-new-phone-before-impending-technology-breakdown can come to fruition. Bell says Jean is up for a new FREE phone. Jean says this one is fine. Husband takes further action. Begins soft sell on Jean. Jump to July… Jean finally caves. New phone ‘purchased.’ Husband breathes sigh of relief for narrowly avoiding yet another technology breakdown crisis.

Jump to the end of July. Jean not quite sure why their digital camera is taking slightly blurred shots. Surely it can’t be the bent lens from being dropped at the mountain summit between the Yukon and Alaska acting up now. Surely.

Jump to August. Place Oram family in the safari ride at Disney’s Animal Kingdom in Florida. Animals abound. Lens won’t come out. Jean fiddles with it like she did in Alaska last summer. Breaks it. Camera done. Kaput.

Don’t even think about touching our TV, b*tch!

A week ago: Jean pulling things from the dryer. Remarks to husband, “The dryer smells funny.” Involuntary moan emits from his lips. Both realize that dryer, while still feeling new to us, is actually on borrowed time… <gulp>

Yesterday: Checking my WEbook Page to Fame entry status. I get a message saying something to the effect: You have broken our website you awful, nasty person. Whatever did we do to you? Please make it up to us by sending this code (seen at bottom of page) so we can fix our website, you awful nasty person.

Actually, the message was much kinder than that. I hit refresh a few times and went back to their homepage and things were all okay again. Whew! (Don’t tell them it was me, okay?)

Today: For the fall I have made some wonderful writing plans that I hope are not as elusive as a well-priced, point-and-shoot digital camera with a glass lens. Anyway, to keep me on track, I have managed to somehow be paired up with two very lovely, talented and motivated aspiring writers who also want to do some kick butt writing this fall. Yipee! Nothing like a group to keep you on task. So, one of the lovely ladies created a Google group for us to share documents, plans, goals, motivations, and unbeknownst to her… a place for Jean to destroy.

That’s right. I have somehow made it so even my dear ol’ hubby with his tech Masters degree cannot figure out why I cannot upload my profile picture. But that’s neither here nor there. That sort of thing happens to me like peanut butter. (Yeah, I don’t know what that means either.) Today, I wrecked a page made by another member. No, let me amend that. I didn’t wreck it, I made it not exist. No, seriously. That’s what Google says. And Google is like God. Don’t argue with God. God has lightning bolts. So, I added my goals to the existing, pre-made page, hit ‘save and publish’ and got the message that it had successfully published. Apparently into another dimension.

See? Told ya.

Oh, and I forgot. The Mac? You know how it doesn’t seize up, like ever? Yeah, I did that yesterday by trying to add someone to my address book. I’m just that good.

Anyone have a camera I can borrow? Really, I’ll take good care of it. I promise.

Cupboards

Ugh.

At least it the wind isn’t exfoliating our roof for us today. (Blowing the shingles to Saskatchewan.)

I came home after a few hours out and about to find that one of my cupboard doors wouldn’t stay closed. I fiddled with it before realising that my Mixmaster was in the way. Hmm. The top seems to be off the stand. Weird. I’m pretty sure my husband wasn’t secretly mixing something last night–or this morning before he left for work shortly after 6 AM.

So, I reach in and begin moving the mix master around before I eventually realise that the top shelf has broken at the back, tipping down and breaking my mix master. That is why the top was relocated to the front of the cupboard, pushing on the door.

So, now I have dishes and appliances strewn over the floor. (Miraculously, my vases are all okay.) If I had half a brain cell, I could fix the shelf. But I don’t. So I won’t. I’m pretty sure I will just shove all that sh*t back in the cupboard and enjoy my denial for the next six months–that’s about when my hubby will realise that the cupboard is broken. Although, he never discovered that I broke the cutlery tray in the dishwasher and that was close to a year ago now….

If I had to pick one thing to break in that cupboard, the Mixmaster would have been my choice. Why you ask? Well, because I already broke it. Sort of. My mom was right when she told me as a child, “Don’t let the wooden spoon get too close to the beaters.” You can guess why. I did bend the beaters back fairly well, but the thing still jitters and bangs a bit. Despite having a heavy, platter laden shelf land on it, the Mixmaster still works. It is just a really, really heavy hand-held one now. Its stand was shattered. Impressive, really. Any guesses on what decade the Mixmaster was made in? Not this one! And the shelf, why yes, it was built in this decade. That is why it is a piece of sh*t that can’t hold up some god damned dishes.

Anyway, after that disaster my daughter began to realise that ‘her’ cat was missing (and yes, it meowed at her last night around midnight). We called the cat and could hear a muffled mew here and there. But no cat. Eventually I found her in with the placemats. She had only been in there for about three hours. I’m sure we would have found her sooner if we hadn’t accidentally shown up at the closed library an hour early for story time.

It all worked out okay. We went out for coffee and paid the mortgage while the cat curled up on the placemats. The cat is fine. We’re fine. I am reloading my caffeine supplies, because let’s face it, it’s only a touch past noon and today ain’t shaping up so great.

At least the car doors weren’t all frozen shut today. But it is snowing and the metal part on my snow shovel is worn out it is breaking off and dragging around. Is that sad that I’ve worn out a snow shovel? Oh, well, it’s okay. The next one I buy will definitely break before it wears out. Why? Because everything is built crappy these days. For example, the VCR I bought at a garage sale in university is finally wearing out. The DVD player we bought, what three years ago?, is close to toast.

I throw up my hands. Take me back to the eighties when they used to know how to make sh*t. Sure, it was heavy as hell, but it didn’t break all the figgin’ time.

I think I need more coffee. Or maybe I need less. I’m not sure which.

Magic Time

So as I have mentioned before, my husband has this magical power over electronics whereas I have the power to kill electronics. Evidently, all I had to do to get the radio fixed in my car was to take him for a drive and *poof*, it started working. Just like that.

With our powers combined….

As well, I decided instead of buying some new clothes (which I really need as I haven`t bought jeans or shirts in about a year or so and I`m starting to look a bit tatty) I would buy some music. And then I couldn`t decide what to buy. So, I bought a whole pile (online). I bought Ella Fitzgerald (x2 with Louis and the gang), Sara Bareilles (reminds me of Fiona Apple), Sheryl Crow (my fav) and Jack Johnson (his new one). My hubby was a little peeved that I bought a whole pile of music. But honestly, it is a whole lot cheaper than the big screen TV that he wants. And I bought some stuff that he would like. Don`t think I didn`t see him toe tapping away while he burned CDs so he could put the music on his laptop, oh, and his mp3 player.

Speaking of the music, it wouldn`t all download properly. I got around that, but then I ran up against the whole licenses problem which for whatever reason wasn`t letting me burn all of the songs to CD for a backup. So, I had hubby come over and of course the computer then acted perfectly fine. Oh well, I now have music everywhere I go.

I might just have to turn things up….