Shut UP!

That’s right, I said, “Shut UP!” Yes, I know, I may have damaged some holding-on-by-a-hair-self-esteems out there by saying that. But sometimes it needs to be said.

Specifically, it needs to be said to that nasty little gremlin that sits on your shoulder telling you that you can’t do it. That little guy who wheezes in your ear, sharing not-so-sweet nothings like, “That’s an adverb, followed by too many adjectives, you twobit writer.” and “That makes no sense. Do you even know who this character is? You must SHOW their motivation.” and “That paragraph is too long.” and “A comma doesn’t go there.” and “Spelled that wrong.” and “Get a thesaurus, you’ve used that word three time. Who do you think you are. Trying to write? Ha! Ha! You don’t even have a good, polysyllabic vocabulary. Any ESL person could walk off the street with a better story and better writing. Just give up already, you are wasting your time.”

Whew! That’s some nasty stuff.

So, what do you do? What can you do? And you have to do something because that nasty little gremlin will smother your muse in vile tar in five seconds flat, leaving you sobbing on your keyboard.

First, you have to write. You have to show that gremlin who’s boss–and that would be you, the writer.

Second, if it is a long list of ‘rules’ you need to remember in order to be a ‘good’ writer that is getting you down, then the solution is easy. Write. Write, write, write, until it all becomes second nature. (Maybe focus on one thing at a time though–we don’t want any heads to explode as brains are very hard to clean off the upholstery.)

Third, write. Yeah, I’m kind of serious about this one. Don’t let the bastards get you down. Even if you have to type ‘This sucks. I know it sucks, but I’m going to keep writing until something good comes up. I’m going to sit here and keep typing even if my internal editor won’t SHUT UP! I won’t let anything distract me. I won’t get up until I have ten pages down. Even if they suck and it is the same sentence repeated 243 times. All I know is that there is this girl who has a problem with the Elm tree in her front yard and she ends up falling in love with the man across the street while trying to deal with the Elm.’ And just keep going until something happens. It will. Your brain will get tired, your gremlin will get lulled to sleep and things will take a turn and begin to happen. Be aware that it might not happen on day one or page one. Know and be okay with the fact that some of it is going to be garbage, but if you keep writing eventually you will run out of garbage. Sometimes it is by paragraph 3, sometimes it is page 56. Just write it down. You can always edit it later, recycling items, landfilling others, polishing hidden gems, etc, but if you don’t have it down… what have you got?

“It says here, “Calvin and Hobbes shows bad influences to little ones. No one can be that bad.”

Fourth, if your gremlin doesn’t have a day job, is a bit of an insomniac, and is always on snoopervision no matter what you do, distract him. Turn on music–new stuff might keep him busy. Talk radio so he isn’t lonely. Or the TV so he picks up useful tidbits he can feed to your subconscious to be placed here and there in your story.

Fifth, if your gremlin is really harping on one thing, let him out on someone else’s work. Now, be careful! You don’t want to rip someone else apart and leave them crying on their keyboard. Be kind! But if you are working on sensory details and your internal editor/gremlin is going nutso on you, read someone else’s work and make notes. What works? What doesn’t? How can you use what works in your own writing? Give yourself a challenge and ONLY focus on improving that one thing.

Sixth, don’t be afraid to play. Really. And let your Gremlin play, too. He’s bored. He’s there, use him. Turn him into your internal drive to always improve. But remember, when he gets to be too much, tell him to, “Shut UP!” And be firm. Spank him if necessary. (I won’t call social services, I promise.)

Seventh, if ALL else fails, get him a little bit tipsy–unless he’s a nasty drunk, in which case, bribe him with chocolate, ice cream, coffee, or whatever floats his sensory boat.

There will always be something to learn or work on when it comes to writing, that’s what’s so amazing about it. Go forth and play and don’t forget those two golden words: SHUT UP!

Good luck young grasshoppers. And whatever you do, keep your gremlin dry.

P.S. If you have handy gremlin elimination tips, feel free to share them in the comments section.