.

Oh man.

Online Auctions get me. I’ve only bid in two including the one I am involved in at this very moment. It is SO stressful in an exciting rollercoaster sort of way. I wish I were rich, then I might get what I want. But alas, things often get out of my price range rather rapidly, but I keep bidding just to try and get the bids higher and then suddenly I’m like, “Out bid me you bastard, I can’t afford this!” And then I have nothing, because they always out bid me at the last minute and then I am sad because I had all that excitement for nothing. I have wasted moments of my life dreaming and hoping, all for naught.

Maybe I should start at the beginning.

Every once in awhile, I hear about these great online auctions for writers. Big stuff. Like agent evaluations. And it is for a good cause. Oh my gosh! Tax deduction, charity donation AND a huge chance at getting a professional (expert, all-mighty, amazing being that should-I-ever-have-the-honour-of-kissing-their-toes-I-think-I-might-faint-from-the-thought-of-it sort of a person) read and critique my work.

Ah! Current status: 10 minutes remaining in auction. My status: highest bidder. Moment of stomach jumping all over the place: it is my highest bid and is more money than I have or would care to spend.

But relief because it is less than the other one I bid on and was winning. See, I felt bad for the agent who had a low bid. Plus, I wanted that person who was going to get that chance at that awesome agent to donate a little more to charity. So I bid and bid and bid. And just about crapped my pants when I finally won. But then they outbid me again right away. Having thought about the opportunity that it could present, suddenly a few hundred dollars doesn’t seem like that much for a career opener, right? I mean, professional development and that sort of feedback can be priceless if it comes at the right time, gives you the right head tweak and opens the right doors. Anyway, with my new idea of cheap in mind, I moved on to another agent who was hovering on the low end of the money scale.

I googled her and her agency. Wow! Way better fit than the other agent I was bidding on. And yes, a bit out of my price range. (I mean, it is over $50…and I’ve never boasted to be rich.) But I bid and bid and bid. And won. And my bid is holding. Deep breaths. Deep breaths.

Refresh the page once again. Getting a little compulsive now…

Status: 5 minutes 56 seconds. My status: highest bidder.

Oh god, I think my heart is acting like I just ran a hundred miles. Okay, maybe one mile. I’d be dead if I had to run much further than that. I, for whatever reason, have never been much of a runner.

Checking status…

4 min 41 seconds.

Some bastard is going to slip in there and out bid me, aren’t they? Oh god, if they don’t, I’m going to have to explain this expenditure to my husband. It um, is um, not $4000 like some of them. It isn’t even $400, but still. It was more than I planned to spend. Oh god. Gotta check the status again. I don’t know what I should hope for.

3 min 31 seconds. Still the highest bid. Oh F*&%

Oh please, oh please, let me win!!!!

Oh god, my heart rate is never going to return to normal.

2 min 19 sec. Way beyond compulsive now. Maybe I should try and remember what my paypal account is.

I decided to warn my husband that I might be spending some money. He informed me to push F5 (refresh) on my keyboard. He actually got a bit excited and was shouting “F5, F5, F5! Again! Again!”. And then with 20 seconds left I got out bid. I was up and then I was down.

And then he told me to bid more. So I bid more at the last second. Now the clock has reset–bastards. Bidding wars suck.

Then the other dude bid more.

So, my husband said, “Bid more, bid more!” So I did. And he reached around me and started finger spasming on F5.

Now I have to agonize through another 5 minutes. Oh god. I don’t know if I can do this…

But he kindly reminds me, “We have spent more money than you are currently bidding on stupid things and you know when I have that much money I am going to go buy Lego Robotics. Plus, this is a career builder–oh, and keep the receipt.” Lego Robotics? <F5.> And then the commercials were over and he went back to the TV. And here I am sweating. Almost literally. My cheeks feel hot, my head is spinning. I’m almost giddy. Except I’m not. Now I am dreading being outbid. Bastards. Stupid online bidding bastards!

Oh my god. 49 seconds is bolded in RED on the site. Heart Attack, my mind is singing. I’m the highest bidder. Have I done it? Have I?  Oooh, ooh. <F5> <F5>

Holy shit. 11 seconds.

WAHOOOOO!!! I WON IT! I WON IT! I WON IT! I WON IT! Holy crap!

From the other room: “Nice!”

Oh my god. Oh my god.

Okay, where is the credit card? I need my credit card. Oh my god. Career changer. Please, oh please. Oh god. I don’t know what to do. How? What? Where? When? Oh my god. I’m so excited.

Tags: Once In a Lifetime //