.

Oh man.

Online Auctions get me. I’ve only bid in two including the one I am involved in at this very moment. It is SO stressful in an exciting rollercoaster sort of way. I wish I were rich, then I might get what I want. But alas, things often get out of my price range rather rapidly, but I keep bidding just to try and get the bids higher and then suddenly I’m like, “Out bid me you bastard, I can’t afford this!” And then I have nothing, because they always out bid me at the last minute and then I am sad because I had all that excitement for nothing. I have wasted moments of my life dreaming and hoping, all for naught.

Maybe I should start at the beginning.

Every once in awhile, I hear about these great online auctions for writers. Big stuff. Like agent evaluations. And it is for a good cause. Oh my gosh! Tax deduction, charity donation AND a huge chance at getting a professional (expert, all-mighty, amazing being that should-I-ever-have-the-honour-of-kissing-their-toes-I-think-I-might-faint-from-the-thought-of-it sort of a person) read and critique my work.

Ah! Current status: 10 minutes remaining in auction. My status: highest bidder. Moment of stomach jumping all over the place: it is my highest bid and is more money than I have or would care to spend.

But relief because it is less than the other one I bid on and was winning. See, I felt bad for the agent who had a low bid. Plus, I wanted that person who was going to get that chance at that awesome agent to donate a little more to charity. So I bid and bid and bid. And just about crapped my pants when I finally won. But then they outbid me again right away. Having thought about the opportunity that it could present, suddenly a few hundred dollars doesn’t seem like that much for a career opener, right? I mean, professional development and that sort of feedback can be priceless if it comes at the right time, gives you the right head tweak and opens the right doors. Anyway, with my new idea of cheap in mind, I moved on to another agent who was hovering on the low end of the money scale.

I googled her and her agency. Wow! Way better fit than the other agent I was bidding on. And yes, a bit out of my price range. (I mean, it is over $50…and I’ve never boasted to be rich.) But I bid and bid and bid. And won. And my bid is holding. Deep breaths. Deep breaths.

Refresh the page once again. Getting a little compulsive now…

Status: 5 minutes 56 seconds. My status: highest bidder.

Oh god, I think my heart is acting like I just ran a hundred miles. Okay, maybe one mile. I’d be dead if I had to run much further than that. I, for whatever reason, have never been much of a runner.

Checking status…

4 min 41 seconds.

Some bastard is going to slip in there and out bid me, aren’t they? Oh god, if they don’t, I’m going to have to explain this expenditure to my husband. It um, is um, not $4000 like some of them. It isn’t even $400, but still. It was more than I planned to spend. Oh god. Gotta check the status again. I don’t know what I should hope for.

3 min 31 seconds. Still the highest bid. Oh F*&%

Oh please, oh please, let me win!!!!

Oh god, my heart rate is never going to return to normal.

2 min 19 sec. Way beyond compulsive now. Maybe I should try and remember what my paypal account is.

I decided to warn my husband that I might be spending some money. He informed me to push F5 (refresh) on my keyboard. He actually got a bit excited and was shouting “F5, F5, F5! Again! Again!”. And then with 20 seconds left I got out bid. I was up and then I was down.

And then he told me to bid more. So I bid more at the last second. Now the clock has reset–bastards. Bidding wars suck.

Then the other dude bid more.

So, my husband said, “Bid more, bid more!” So I did. And he reached around me and started finger spasming on F5.

Now I have to agonize through another 5 minutes. Oh god. I don’t know if I can do this…

But he kindly reminds me, “We have spent more money than you are currently bidding on stupid things and you know when I have that much money I am going to go buy Lego Robotics. Plus, this is a career builder–oh, and keep the receipt.” Lego Robotics? <F5.> And then the commercials were over and he went back to the TV. And here I am sweating. Almost literally. My cheeks feel hot, my head is spinning. I’m almost giddy. Except I’m not. Now I am dreading being outbid. Bastards. Stupid online bidding bastards!

Oh my god. 49 seconds is bolded in RED on the site. Heart Attack, my mind is singing. I’m the highest bidder. Have I done it? Have I?  Oooh, ooh. <F5> <F5>

Holy shit. 11 seconds.

WAHOOOOO!!! I WON IT! I WON IT! I WON IT! I WON IT! Holy crap!

From the other room: “Nice!”

Oh my god. Oh my god.

Okay, where is the credit card? I need my credit card. Oh my god. Career changer. Please, oh please. Oh god. I don’t know what to do. How? What? Where? When? Oh my god. I’m so excited.

Tags: Once In a Lifetime by Jean
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It is always reassuring to discover that your brain still works and is able to recall things you learned ages ago and rarely use. This is the case with today’s distraction of making little images for some of my writing samples over on my Projects and Samples page. It was a lot of fun and I think it was just what my brain ordered after all the whirlwind of ideas, comments, critiques and theories and rules and suggestions and more rules about queries that my brain had to interpret, consider and then decide what to do with them. (Whew!) My brain is still allowing everything to whirl around regarding queries like bits of debris being flushed down the toilet. Okay, not the toilet, because it is going to retrieve everything (hopefully) and pick up all the things that floated to the top when the whirling ceases. So, maybe more like a, um…well something that whirls and separates the good and bad. Centrifuge. There we go. My brain is like a centrifuge.

Where was I? Ah yes, I made some graphics. It was fun. I only had to use five separate programs to make them and get them posted. Really. And really, it was a fun challenge. Really.

I am such a geek, aren’t I?

Tags: website development by Jean
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Well, yesterday I felt like I finally had it. Yes, I had it! I had the ultimate plot synopsis that was witty, funny and telling for my query letter. So, I posted it on AQ, my handy, dandy, trusting critique source for all things writing related.

Ack. Good feedback, but I have no hook! Can you believe it? After all that hook work and I don’t have a ‘real’ hook in the plot synopsis. Plus, they felt that I had left one of the most intriguing parts of the story as a minor incident and several suggested I make that the hook. Problem is, that means I will have to rewrite the whole thing.

And that means my head is spinning around and around and around…

Tags: queries by Jean
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Well, I have finally reached the point where I feel like it is time to start the one month process of banging out the ‘perfect’ query letter. Egads! Perfect? But there aren’t even hard and fast rules about query letters! How can you make a perfect one?

Well, folks, that would explain the large sized bump on my forehead from banging it on the coffee table for the past few days.

To prepare for the task at hand (writing the letter that could change my life and career–no pressure), I’ve read Noah Lukeman’s book “How to Write a Great Query”, which varies quite a bit from some of the excellent advice over on AQ Connect. <Bang goes Jean’s forehead again.> But rules are for breaking. Sometimes. Kind of. A little bit. When you are brave. And sometimes when you are stupid. Really, the line between bravery and stupidity can be blurry. <Bang, bang.>

Catch the agent’s attention and try and get them to read more. That is the goal of the query. That is my goal. I can do this. I can condense my 118,000 word story (which is still on a diet, by the way) into three dynamic sentences that show my voice, answer what the book is about, touch on genre, and excite someone I don’t know. No problem. <More banging.>

<Deep breath.> Not intimidated, no, not at all… Anyway, Query Shark wouldn’t chomp on my letter from last month, which probably means that it was not stellar and it was not awful. Just mediocre. So, armed with yet more thoughts, advice and lots of head banging, I am diving in. At the end of the month, I hope to have the query letter of all query letters and not have a concussion.

Tags: queries by Jean
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I’m getting to the point where I am just about ready to again, start querying for an agent. I’ve learned a lot and have improved my writing considerably since I last sent out queries about five months ago. I’m hopeful for the next round. I’ve even read Noah Lukeman’s book on how to write a good query. I’m going to be armed and dangerous this time, so watch out!

As part of preparing for querying, I have been working on my hook. I thought my hook before was pretty good, but it was bulky and didn’t say as much as it could have. The hook, if you are unfamiliar with the term, is a one sentence blurb about your story that contains the most important element of your story and should catch your reader’s interest and make them want to read more. It’s harder than it seems. Well, that’s not always true. For one or two of my stories it has been simple. But with the story I want to shop around, I’ve been so immersed in it that I have all the different themes and plots and subplots floating around in my head that it took me awhile to step back, look at it and say, ‘ah, there it is’. Now I think I have it.

Want to read the rough version of the latest hook? Here goes:

A lonely, trusting astrophysicist has what appears to be a picture perfect life, but under the surface her career and love life are slowly spiralling into a pit of humiliation, leaving her on the brink of desperation.

The $50,000 question (besides being is there such thing as a pit of humiliation?)is: is this hook actually interesting and going to intrigue anyone?

Tags: queries by Jean
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Never trust a cat when it comes to editing advice.

Seriously. They are no help at all. Okay, my old cat Edgar who is now frolicking through the proverbial mouse fields of days gone by (I know that isn’t proverbial, but it sounds nice) might have been helpful. He knew how to slice and dice. He would have been an awesome editor. When he purred, you felt like all that work finally paid off. I digress. My remaining cat, M, however is not editor material. Whatsoever.

You see, right now I have a scene that needs some paring down. Originally it was two scenes that were repetitious. Now it is one scene with a whopping amount of backstory tossed in and around the ‘issue’. I need to only have things in this scene (2nd scene in the book) that add to the whole of the book and propel the story forward. Problem is it feels like everything and nothing adds to the whole or propels the story. Make sense? Make cat doesn’t think it does either.

You see, she sits in my lap and purrs. The whole time. What kind of help is that? I need some tough love and she is gushing over EVERYthing. Her version of being tough on me involves laying on my arm so it’s hard to type. I need her to growl at the parts that can go. But no, occasionally she nuzzles her cute little head into my typing hand.

“Fantastic! I love what you’ve written!”

So see? Cats can’t be trusted as an editor. The only thing worse would having a dog as an editor. That kind of over-enthusiastic, adoring, unconditional love for everything I’ve ever written would not really help me grow as a writer.

“Love it, now let’s go for a walk, my ADHD is kicking in.” 

Oh, hang on! She just started washing her bum, that must mean I do need to cut those last 1000 words. Oh yep. Definitely. She just braced herself to really work it. Ah yes, and now that I’ve cut the scene, she’s cuddled in next to me again. Maybe she’ll make a good editor after all.

Tags: editing by Jean
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Some interesting things are happening over at HarperCollins. Specifically on their new website ‘Authonomy‘.

I was curious about this new online community site and signed up for them to let me know when it was ready. The other day I got an invite to try their beta version. I registered, uploaded my picture and snooped around a bit.

Authonomy, in case you haven’t heard much about it, is a site where writers can upload their work. They ask for a minimum of 10,000 words and prefer the WHOLE manuscript. You retain the rights to it as the author, but yes of course there is nothing stopping someone from snatching your work. Anyway, anyone can read what is posted (agents, publishers, editors, dude next door, other writers, thieves, etc). If you are registered, you can comment on the work and add it to your bookshelf. The works that are the most popular among the site’s readers will then get read by some people at HarperCollins. The janitor. Kidding. Sort of.

Anyway, I suppose it is a free way to get your work out there and possibly get discovered.

The thing is…

It feels wrong.

I don’t know why, but my gut reaction is, ‘No.’ And I tend to be a somewhat early adopter of new fangled tech stuff.

I guess it is the fact that they want me to put my WHOLE work up there for free. Which is fine, I guess. Except that I want to make money with this work. I want people to buy it. Now I do understand that as a business person, you sometimes have to give things away. So, sure, I will give some copies away when it is in print. I will. Even if I have to buy them from the publisher myself. But I won’t give away shares in my company. Know what I am saying? This feels like giving away shares. And for what? In hopes that some conglomerate sees me and buys me out?

I won’t even get into the whole it could get stolen, plagiarized and all that nasty line of thought stuff.

The other thing is that you are putting it up on the HarperCollins website. What if I find an agent for this piece and a publisher that is NOT HarperCollins wants to publish it? How are they going to feel about the fact that I previously GAVE IT AWAY on the COMPETETORS website? Personally, if I were them, I would be like, ‘uh, NO!’

Am I crazy? Am I skipping out on the biggest thing since that damned sliced bread?

As an aside, while I was looking for a pic of sliced bread, I came across this (which in my opinion is waaaaaay cooler than sliced bread could ever be):

Later Note: I emailed an agent about this and they were kind enough to take the time to email me back. The advice was, post a chapter or two, but not the whole manuscript as a traditional publisher may then consider the electronic rights to be compromised due to the posting of it in its entirety.

Tags: online communities by Jean
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What is in a name?

Good question.

Usually when I name characters, the name is just there for me and I plug along happily. Problem is, I am now getting to the point where I can’t recall all the names I’ve used. You have all these minor characters and old stories that one day could get resurrected and published and you don’t want accidentally reuse names over and over. You don’t want readers to think you only have 40 names in your back pocket and you keep reusing them over and over again because you have no creativity. Then there is the other problem of what if you use the name now and later find that it just HAS to be the name for the new character you’ve created and no other name will be as ‘perfect’ but the name is already used?

Anyway, I think I am going to have to start making a master list of character names so I don’t accidentally and unconsciously always have a ‘Ben’ or something in all my stories. Although that could be kind of funny…especially if he was a barista or something. Then eventually he could have his own story with all these other characters from the other books visiting him. It would be so Maeve Binchy.

But I doubt I’ll do that. Here is what I do when I get ’stuck’ though. (Funny, I have never been stuck on a character name for longer than about 5 minutes and rarely have I gone back and changed a name.) What I do is go online. There are some great baby name websites and I just discovered that the American Social Security Site has the most popular names from different decades. Super cool if you need an older adult and you want the name to fit the time they were born in. What I’ve heard other writers do is save names from spam they receive. Isn’t that funny? Imagine the creative names they get there!

Tags: character development, writing by Jean
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Lately I’ve been putting it out there. I figure, if I keep putting it out there, eventually it will come back to me.

What exactly have I been ‘putting out there’ you may ask?

Well, I have been critiquing other people’s writing. I have been active in online writing communities. I have been asking agents questions on their new blogs and making comments on their posts. I have given Query Shark my query to slice and dice. (No slicing or dicing yet, but others I have told about QS have had their’s sliced and diced. Oh, pick me already!) I have been entering contests (like the RWA Grand Beginnings Contest and Nathan Bransford’s blog contest (pick me, pick me!). I have also answered another writer’s research questions for her upcoming article. I’ve bought and read the book of a writer who was kind enough to comment on one of my blog posts (funny book with the most unappealing sex scene ever. Also very humourous voice! Read it.). I’ve spread the word about Brenda Novak’s online auction (which includes critiques galore which are sadly waaaaaay out of my price range). I’m putting it out there. I’m trying to be a helpful, share the info kind of gal.

One day it shall come back. One day Karma will look at me and hand me an opportunity. And hopefully I won’t be asleep and I can seize that opportunity because I am pretty sure I am on the right path, I just haven’t reached the right town yet.

 Oh please, oh please pick me.

Tags: life by Jean
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Well folks, it is Friday again. Since I am having a ‘people who use other people suck’ kind of a day…let’s have some fun on the Internet. The Internet is fun and will never use you to make themselves a better mom.

There is a great quiz here which figures out which Disney Character you are. Guess who I am? I’m Goofy! No, really, the character Goofy. Isn’t that great! Here’s why: “Your alter ego is Goofy! You are fun [true] and great to be around [very accurate], and you are always willing to help others [also true]. You aren’t worried about embarrassing yourself [SO true], so you are one who is more willing to try new things[Bingo. You’ve got me pegged].” A close second for me is Peter Pan. I suppose I am a goofy person who doesn’t want to grow up, dammit. Then again, with questions like, “You like to walk around with no pants on” are always excellent indicators of a reliable and true quiz.

I tried the ‘Which Patronus [like in Harry Potter] Are You’ Quiz but all the spelling mistakes started to get to me and being asked if I was brave (for the 6th) time wore me down and by question #118, I gave up and wandered off. Apparently impatient folks like me don’t have patronuses.

Uh, okay. Apparently I am a rap song. The options were pop song, country song or rap song. And I’m a rap song. Maybe I should have said I liked mud and my grill or MTV.

Huh. If I were an infectious disease, I would be Syphilis. Attractive. I guess the fact that my ‘passions run high’ and ‘I never forget anything’ signed me up for this one. And this quote, is just funny, so I guess I will revel in my ‘disease’: “Your recent comeback tour is going well, especially since you stopped listening to your critics.” Ha. Ha.

I took the Super Powers quiz with disappointing results. My super power is ‘can stretch really far’. Big freaky deal.

Well, so long and I think I’ll just sit here and grab myself a new drink from the other room…

Tags: Internet, just goofing by Jean
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