Still

Facebook is crazy. It is a great tool for getting in touch with old acquaintances or friends that you have lost touch with–provided that they are on Facebook. But it is also just another place to have to check for messages from friends, etc. Assuming that they send you replies.

Which brings me to my I-Have-No-Self-Esteem Moment of the month. First of all, I need to ask you this: do you fit in? Do you fit in wherever you go? For me, those questions are moot because I don’t think I have ever really, truly felt like I fit in. (With the exception of my immediate family.) School, work, social networks, I’ve never truly felt like I fit in or ‘click’. Sure, I have friends. It’s not like I am socially incompetent or something, I just am one-of-those-things-that’s-not-like-the-others.

Not too long ago, I went to a party where people were talking about stuff that I ‘see’ or ‘think’ or ‘believe’ or is ‘up my alley’ and I was like, WOAH! This is friggin’ great. Unfortunately, I don’t really know the people and will likely never see them again and I think in some ways, they thought I was the ‘mainstreamer’ in the group. Which is so heart wrenching, because, yes, in some ways, I am, but at heart, I’m not. For example, it didn’t matter where their quirky conversations turned, I was right there with them. And not just nodding my head and B.S.ing like a wannabe. I could out alternative them in three sentences of life background, if I was so inclined. But I guess I’m not.

I’m just different.

So, basically, I’m feeling sorry for myself today. It has been a few weeks (months) of trying to expand my social network and I feel like I just can’t find people like me. I have never really fit in anywhere, so shouldn’t I be used to it by now? Answer: yes, and does it really matter whether I fit in or not?

Oh yeah, I was making a point about Facebook, wasn’t I? You see, I finally signed up. I’m not part of any networks, I haven’t let Facebook into my e-mail to badger my friends, I don’t have photos of me (evidently, I am the photographer in the family), but I have hooked up with some old friends, which is nice. I was so pumped when I ‘made friends’ with some old buddies. They won’t turn their backs! It will be like old times full of laughs and backhanded compliments and pointed barbs.

Maybe I am just needy, but my ‘friends’ just don’t seem to care about being anything more than having me listed as a ‘friend’ on Facebook. It’s like they are collecting ‘friends’, but don’t want to actually get reacquainted or take an actual, genuine interest. And no, it’s not like I asked them to come straight over to my house and stay a week so we could get reacquainted. I sent simple, nice, hey-how-are-you e-mails and not-much-is-new-here-with-the-exception-of-x-y-and-z, and no reply. I wrote little notes on their walls, made kind and I-connect-with-you comments on their photos. Did I come across wrong? Is it me? Is it? Is it? (Okay, that’s me being all needy.)

So, does that mean that I don’t even fit in on Facebook? I mean, if I don’t even fit in in the cyber world…

This is where I suck it up and go to bed. G’night.